5 Simple Self Defense Moves That Don’t Require Bullets

I know, I know you’re saying, “But I’ve been stock-piling guns with the rest of my militia for years now!”  Well, there are times when you find yourself without a firearm.  Whatcha gonna do?  Here’s a few ways of protecting yourself without putting a cap in someone’s ass.


As Soap says in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, “Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don’t make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit ‘em right up. Makes it look like we’re serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.”  Let’s be honest, you’d look like a total badass with a meat cleaver strapped to your leg.  Or a machete.  Or a Klingon Bat’Leth.  Ok maybe not so much on the last one, but anything big, sharp, and shiny is going to be excellent.  Knives are obviously mulit-purpose, the can be used as a means to cut brush, to reflectively signal others, and to seriously intimidate others.  Now chances are you’ve got some great knife currently in your kitchen – so the price is also very low.  But if you want something a little more “professional,” I recommend you check out http://budk.com.  These guys have everything for going off the baby-made-of-bicycles crazy deep end.  My favorite brand is Cold Steel , which is not to be confused with Steel Reserve, but trust me the two go awesome together.




Everyone is probably familiar with Teddy Roosevelt’s famous saying, “Walk softly and carry a big stick.”  But did you know that not only works as a metaphor for American early-isolationist, foreign policy, it’s also a pretty good idea.  Sticks can be used for defense and for aiding you on long walks, measuring distances, and creating sundials.  Chances are again that you have something that would make a really good stick: a rake or ax handle, a baseball bat, a sawed off pools cue, the clothes rod from your closet – anything goes!  And you can also probably find a really good one while you’re out and about – just be able to identify a few choice hardwoods (Oak, Ash, and Walnut to name a few).  Sticks are probably man’s earliest weapon and can be easily improved upon to make them better.  Fire hardening, or the act of removing all water from wood by means of lightly charring it, greatly strengthens the wood.  Ancient Pacific Islanders used to bury their spears in mud for months so that the wood would absorb the minerals, making them stronger.  Plus stick a rock, a nail, or a point and the end and you’re more badass than Roosevelt and Paul Hogan combined!


You remember what happened to Goliath?  That’s right, he got his shit pushed in by some prick with a piece of rope and a stone.  Rope is good to stockpile now – rocks, pieces of brick, hardened dog turds, whatever else you want to turn into a projectile is going to be all over the place after stuff goes down.  I’m not going to say much more on this, but go here: http://slinging.org/.  Make your sling and practice.  A sling gives you the advantage of range and never running out of things to chuck.


There’s not a lot of explaining for this one.  Take two long tube socks.  Fill one with a hefty amount of pennies, or loose change, or Sacagawea Dollars, whatever.  Tie a good knot so you have a tight ball of change.  Drop it in the second tube sock.  Tie another knot.  And instantly you have the poor man’s morning star.  Actually you’ve just made a “blackjack” or “sap.”  Sure it may be heavy but you can really swing it around to get some jaw dislodging momentum built up.  Also, if it breaks, don’t underestimate the stunning effect of hurling a handful of loose change at someone’s face.


Sure you went to that ladies self-defense class one night at the college dorms.  You thought you could maybe pick up a few girls.  But after two hours of women yelling, “NO!” and crushing your testicles with their kneecaps, you walked away disillusioned.  But what always stuck with you is how badass putting your keys in your fist looked.  You looked like Wolverine.  Better.  (Insert Pic 4: Well, maybe a lot better in this circumstance.)  What if you took it to the next level?  Get a garden rake and a hacksaw and now no one’s ever going to laugh at you at Comic Con again!  Please be aware that Brass Knuckles are also awesome, but also ILLEGAL in most states.  Especially if found on your person during a police search as you drunkenly shout your love for the chick in the Princess Leia slave girl outfit at Comic Con while dressed as a pathetic Wolverine.

Other common household stuff:

A big hammer (because if someone attacks you with a hammer, you’re screwed (it’s a pun, get it?)), a metal plate with a sharpened edge (Xena warrior princess style), piano wires (make a cross bow string or a garrote wire), ground habanero chili powder (like homemade mace), and the list goes on and on.

So put down the gun, get a little creative, and go out and fuck shit up.

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